My Past Relationship; Effects and Harms

I have been up all night with a little headache. I just couldn't take it anymore. Had to shower and be ready for work as usual. So; I woke up this morning and a couple of things ran through my mind. Most importantly they all revolved around a past relationship I was involved in about two years ago. This was not one of my better relationships to date, but we will get into that in a minute. What troubles me the most was not actually the relationship itself, but the after effects which are still playing themselves out and it hurts so terribly.

As an almost 20-something-ish young and energetic man, I pride myself on being strong, handsome, confident, educated and economically independent. (I threw that in there for the sisters who would no doubt question it).

But because I am a Black man from my native sand town (Keta) and particularly attracted to women outside of my race; I find it extremely cool to find a mate who is on equal footing. So when I found one… I latched on for dear life! This one was someone from my own black race. She was attractive, beautiful, cute, confident, educated, cultured (maybe)….all the boxes were just ticking away. But then I got to know her.....!!!!

Lord help…… this lacked lacked so much personality and thinking I could help make it better was my worst idea, and if you ask me; she was secretly jealous of my vivacious character. She basically tried to shadow my spirit by convincing me that I wasn't competent in any category except handsome-ness, and even then she regularly commented on my fashion sense.

Straight out of a Mary song, this woman for all intents and purposes was choosing my clothes, my friends, how I spoke, what I ate, you name it. I was checked regularly and made to feel inadequate often.

When I obeyed, I was given an over abundance of love and affection only to be manipulated again into maintaining this twisted idea of what she considered to be an ideal mate. When I would finally get the nerve to leave, she would successfully convince me that everything was
my fault, and sadly her reasoning was so astute that I always found myself apologizing to her for the fails in our relationship. So as it is being described and can be a bit wordy let me put it in its blunt form…..I was abused.

So rightfully……I'm angry. But I am most angry with myself because like you I am thinking….. well how could this strong, confident man ever get caught up with a lady like that? Why didn't he just leave? It saddens me that I don't have any of the answers. Every fiber in my body told me that this was the wrong relationship for me to be in, yet I stayed. There is no archetype for the battered man.

The looks, the judgements, the comments, how I feel about myself, all bother me more than anything she could have done to me. The idea that my friends and family are sickened by the fact that I ever got into a relationship with her in the first place is something that weighs against my confidence often. But most don't realize that psychological damage is much greater than physical and far more everlasting.

So finally I'm on my path to forgive myself. I wait for the day when I can truly forgive ME for being in that relationship, because like my mother always says "Can't nobody do to you what you won't allow." Because even the most self assured, hard-hearted, strong man CAN be abused. So don't judge what you don't know.

Feel free and post your comments and feedbacks. Your comments actually inspires me to do more than this. I'm Proud to be a Ghanaian Blogger.