Thursday, July 3, 2008

The Fante Man

By no fault of his own, the regular Fanti Man has been born with a pre-independence White Man's name hanging over his head. Some of them love to pretend it's a burden, (though they love it!) and redeem their nativeness with indigenous first names.

Paapa, Fiifi, Yoofi and Kojo are all time favourites. Kweku, Kwesi and other weekday names are also favored.

Kwamena Smith, or Yoofi Van Dyck are examples of such a curious combination. Your potential Fanti Man is pompous and self-opinionated and believes that the biggest offense committed against him is 'accusing' him of belonging to another tribe.

His answer to a question like "Are you from X town?" invariably is "Of course not! I am Fanti, a Fanti from Dutch Komenda!"

Seeking education, meaning higher education, to the Fanti man is as natural as seeking rain after a long drought. In the days of the 'Matric' Exam, they were the Greek and Latin Scholars - leave the Sciences (physics, maths, add. Maths) to others, theirs was the Humanities.

Even the Post-Matric Fanti man of the 2000's still believes that nothing is as good as a University Degree, any degree from Legon or Tech will do - Cape Vars is out. While on Campus, they still behave like they used to in Adisco and Augustines. In nobody else is the old boy feeling deeper than in the Fanti man. This is one of their fewer good points, for they are very loyal to old friends (even when they are down).

This 'old boy' streak is carried into the Civil Service, which is the Fanti Man's mainstay and Principal Secretary in a Ministry or General Manager in a private firm is his ultimate ambition. They are very rarely businessmen and even so their business achievements are commonplace and mediocre.

If you're a lady who believes in wealth and all its trappings, steer clear of the Fanti man because so long as government bungalows exists, the Fanti man will not build a house. When they get around to build a house, like their business acumen, their houses are uninspiring.

Your average Fanti man is stingy, and I mean with chop money, even though he enjoys his food. If after reading this article ladies, your heart is still set to get your Fanti man rush into the kitchen and start frying. Fry anything, he'll love it, as long as it is fried! As the Fanti proverb goes "a Fanti man builds his mansion in his stomach."

In relationships they are dictators and act like domineering feudal lords. They tend to colonise their women. In appearance, speech and taste, no detail on his woman escapes his attention. Stubborn and authoritative, the Fanti man can be cruel if you so much as change your hairstyle without consulting him.

On the plus side, he has a terrific sense of humor and is incredibly cheerful, though he can be petty, quarrelsome and can really sulk.

To know if you are the perfect match for the Fanti man, check the following out;

1. Did you go to Wesley Girls High School? (Upper Six mind you!)
2. Can you cook very well (and bake pies?)
3. Are you Fanti yourself or at least a Ga lady from British Accra (Chokor is out!)
4. Do you wear hats and gloves to weddings (and enjoy it?)
5. Are you ready for picnics, packed lunches and sandwiches(for afternoon tea?)
6. Can you pretend to be his slave (forever?).

If you couldn't tick any of the above, please don't waste the Fanti man's time, or yours. On the other hand if you do have one in mind, please act accordingly and as they say, book early to avoid disappointment and Good Luck!

Adze wo fie a, ow33!

The Ga Man

He was christened Nii Ayi Aryee Aryeetey - no name can be more ultra Ga than that.

Your Ga man, from the standpoint of history falls into one of three categories - those who belong to the sea (James Town, Bukom, Teshie and Chorkor), those who belong to the sand (Nungua, Labadi, Accra City itself), and those who are lost and about (Adangbes, Hausas, Yorubas, Sierra Leoninans etc., born and bred in Accra).

If you are yourself a lady prone to picking quarrels, never fear, for in the Ga man you have found your lifelong bodyguard. At first sight, he tends to be somewhat gentle - that is, until provoked of course. Of all the men in other Ghanaian tribes, the Ga man is the most fearless - moreso after his balls of kenkey and red pepper. But tread softly.

Because of their horrible sense of humour, every joke on him is a personal affront to his manhood. And since he applies the same code of honour to women and men, please for heaven`s sake, if he says.. "Ma yi bo eei" (I will beat you), don`t stand to challenge him, thinking it as empty threat. Woman, wife, lover, fiancee, he will turn you into a punching bag! But that is the core of the Ga man.

The icing on the cake is the educated Ga man. He is of a breed you can always count on. For even though he is capable of chewing his sponge to the airport to meet his cousins on the early morning Ghana Airways flight from London, he has gone to Achimota School and speaks the English language well.

If he is from James Town (British Accra) and has a surname like Bannerman, Reindorf or Bruce, he has extremely good taste and mannerisms and is worth the ride. That is until a taxi driver crosses him at Bukom junction. Then his spirit of sexual frankness comes out. Expletives of descriptions of the various parts your relatives spew forth in a torrent from his well-trimmed moustache. These insults, too private to mention here, invariably begin with "Onyaeeeeeee......................" and so on and on...

If Nii Ayi has any ambition, it is suppressed, perhaps for fear of failure. His faith is in the white collar job, where he fights with Fanti man over posts in the civil service. But the Ga man hardly ever gets to the top, because he will surely forgo his transfer related promotion to stay put in Accra - you see, he has the firmest intransplantable roots in Accra and for him Accra is the only place to be.

If you are a young ambitious lady who wants her man to get everything, forget it. Even though they can (with a little training!) make the most docile and obedient companions, his lack of drive will drag you down. But if you are a bit on the lazy, labour-saving side in the kitchen, rush for a Ga man.

Not for him the elaborate three course meals - he is more than satisfied with kenkey and kenkey and kenkey, fish and pepper (N.B just vary slightly with sardines, tilapia, corned beef, etc.)

Ah! One problem though, he is already married to his grandfather`s family house! So if Mr. Aryeetey has already started talking about matrimony, ask him where you are going to live after the wedding!

Don't think of moving outta ACCRA. You shall be in Accra always and not anywhere but in his fathers' father's home.. You get, what I mean..?